F is for Friends

I told myself that I would stop blogging once I returned to the States, no one would care about what I have to say then.  That could very well be true.  But I came to realize that my "journey" did not end when I left Estonia, but that it is just now beginning.
A lot of things changed when I got back.  The hardest thing was/is friends. Time and distance provides the best opportunity for change.  And that we did. At times it feels like we are swimming in two different directions, trying to get to the same destination. I bet you might be thinking that it is best to take a step back.  But it is at these moments that it is harder to let go than it is to hold on.

But there is something deeper that gets under my skin. The definition of friend is "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard."  It hit me like a ton of brick that some of my friendships are not defined like that.  
 There are a few people that are easy to be with, and so I connect myself with them because it doesn't not require any effort.  There are the one or two that I NEED to be around.  They are like the addiction that I can't quit, and I literally have to hide my phone to keep from always texting that person first.  There are some that I want to be around because they almost feel like a door of opportunity, not necessarily to something but to other people. While others I hold on to out of a sense of obligation. There is that friend that would move mountains for me but I can barely return a phone call.
Ease, need, want, obligation, fear; I would love to say one was better than the other and but they are bad.  Either I am smothering a person or I am neglecting them.   They all deserve better. I would hate to think that I am the only person dealing with this but at the end of the day, I can only speak for myself... I can only change myself.  Do I think I am the best friend? Not always. But I feel like I am ahead of the game because I recognize my faults. And so I am trying.
 Until the next time..

 

Impossible

"Tell them all I know now. Shout it from the rooftop. Write it on the skyline, all we have is gone now.  Tell them I was happy, and my heart is broken. All my scars are open. Tell them what I hoped would be impossible."

Every time I hear that song, my eyes start the water.  Not because the lyrics particularly pertain to me, but because it is a song that ties me to Estonia.  I remember when my roommate began playing this song and I hated it because she played it all the time.  Over time I found myself listening to it and fell in love.  It holds so many memories.  Like the times my roommate and I was stressed about our workload and we would turn the song on and sing to the top of our lungs.  It was one of the best feelings in the world.

The moment I remember the most though is the night before the first person in our flat was supposed to leave. My roommate and I decided that that we should record our last time singing together.  I grabbed my phone and she grabbed a brush. We put on the lyrics because no matter how many times we sang the song, we couldn't remember the words.  We began to sing and one by one, a flatmate joined us.  By the end of the song, all six of us was standing together holding on for dear life. I never knew a connection like that could be possible...

So throughout the semester I have referred to these girls as my flatmate or  roommate.  Now I want to take the time to introduce them, and a few others who rocked my world.

 

 Let me tell you that even after five months, I still cannot say her name correctly.  It doesn't matter how I mess her name up, she will answer me every single time.  Carolin is from Germany and one amazing girl.  She knows so much about me.  You wouldn't believe how many times we would jump in each other's bed and just watch movies or stupid episodes of "Toddlers and Tiaras." She knew that she never had to ask for anything of mine because it was also hers.  I am so glad to have met her.  I even had the pleasure of staying with her and her family over New Years. One of the best moments of my life.

 I couldn't pronounce her name correctly either but she gave me credit for trying. Therese is also Germany.  She was the most independent one out of our group. I honestly wish I could have been more like her.  She was not afraid to try new things and I had the honor of being her taste tester. For Christmas, she gave me the recipe to her amazing potato salad and soup. She also made me the prettiest hand warmers.  Therese does not mind giving or helping anyone and that is what I love about her.  This semester would have been nothing without her.

 I think Carmela has one of the biggest hearts known to man, and the fact that she is Italian is a bonus! I don't think a day went by where I didn't get a hug or a kiss on the cheek from her.  I lived for the moments when she would come and find me just so we could talk about everything and nothing. I am going to miss all the food she made us, Lord knows she  could cook enough for an army.  This girl has a heart of gold.  I wish the best for her because she deserves it!

 

 MY ROOMMATE!!!  This is the famous Princess Lea from France!  I could not have asked for a better roommate.  I think in a way, we balanced each other out and we always got along. I am going to miss hearing her laugh at whatever series she was watching at the time. I am going to miss walking into the room and seeing her sitting at her desk with her covers wrapped around her.  I couldn't have done this without her.  I would choose her every single time.

Last but not least we have Lenka from Czech.  We are alike in so many ways and I would like to believe that she helped me keep my sanity at times. She also had me wrap around her little finger.  I could usually refuse anyone except her.  If I went out, it was probably because she asked.  Lenka is so small that sometimes... okay a lot of the times I had the tendency to be overprotective of her.  I didn't want her roaming the streets alone or talking to strangers.  Sad I know.  I am going to miss her.  Seriously. I can only pray that our paths will cross again in this life.


Aside from my roommates I got to meet some more amazing people.  I can't talk about them all but know that if you are reading this, it was a pleasure meeting you!

 Molly and Sarah attend school in Nebraska.  Though I had never met them before this time, they gave me a sense of home.

 Riccardo, also from Italy, was our additional roommate.  It was not a normal day if we didn't see him at least two times.  He actually helped me out a lot and I am extremely grateful. Quite the ladies' man from the looks of it!

This picture is blurry but we have Axel, Q, and Pa Trick.   They were also additional roommates and it was also unusual if I didn't see them.  These folks know how to have fun!

Good people!!!!

 

I can't speak for everyone, but I am lucky to have done this.  I am lucky to have come across the people that I did. Twenty five years from now, I want to tell my children about my experience and encourage them to do the same. Nothing is Impossible!

Let us give Thanks

Okay, so this post is about Thanksgiving.  Yes, I am aware that Thanksgiving was a few weeks but I have been busy. Anyways this will be short, I just wanted to tell you a little bit about it.

So when I first got here, I was determined to have a Thanksgiving dinner, no matter what.  Little did I know that not having an oven or microwave would really put a damper on things.  As the weeks went on and the home sickness got a little worse, I decided that I really didn't want to have a Thanksgiving dinner, I wasn't with my family anyways.  Two weeks before Thanksgiving I told everyone that I wasn't going to do the dinner, and I would most likely lay in bed all day, I was perfectly okay with that.  One of my flatmates turned to me and said "We are going to make a Thanksgiving dinner, you can choose to come or not to come."  WELL THEN! The rest of the flat was super excited because it would be their first Thanksgiving.   The day comes and the kitchen was a mess from the previous night, my roommate was in Lapland, and one of my flatmates had class until six.  But that was not the funny part.  The same flatmate that basically took over the Thanksgiving dinner plans, had fallen ill due to circumstances WITHIN her control. I will not say anymore.   Anyways she is laying down trying to peel potatoes off of the side of the bed.  She looked so sick and pitiful, that I snatched the potatoes away and peeled them myself. We had to use someone else's oven, but one of their flatmates was using the oven at the time that we had arranged to use it.  Well that had me freaking out because I told my guest a specific time and I hate to make people wait.

After all that drama and nonsense, we had the turkey cooked and all the food on the table.  No, it was not the traditional, and I feel bad that they were not able to have an authentic dinner.  However, it was a great Thanksgiving dinner.  I made everyone go around and tell what they were thankful for.  I was surrounded by people who I have spent the last several months with.  Everyone helped out and did their part to make it a good holiday for not only me, but themselves as well.  In fact, all I really did was peel potatoes and make a salad. I know, I should be ashamed.  But enough about me, lets looks at some pictures.

          This is just a few of the ingredients that we bought to make Thanksgiving a success

 

 

 One of my flatmates made this turkey.  We call her the creative one because she is always making things that the rest of us don't have the skills for patience for

 

 Room 420 was the host of all of the guest.  These two girls did an awesome job of arranging their room to accommodate us. That was very generous of them...because I wouldn't have done it! (I mean come on, by the time we were done, there was turkey drippings all over the floor)

And this was the group minus a few enjoying Thanksgiving with me!

Take caution when it comes to love

I am currently straddling an uncomfortable fence.  To leave, or not to leave. Yes, of course I am going to leave Estonia, it's just going to be harder than I expected.  It is not the place that is holding me hostage, but the people that currently reside in it.  Three weeks.  If I wanted to be specific, two weeks and five days before I say goodbye to the first person.  I currently have forty three days before I return to the States.  Honestly, it is too soon.

On one hand I am so ready to return to Arkansas.  I can't wait to hug my mom and dad and tell them that I love them. You never know important your parents are until you don't have unlimited access to them. Going abroad has a way of making you appreciative of the people in your life. I want to overdose on my siblings. The boys have grown so much since I have been gone. When I left neither one them were crawling and now they are both on their way to walking. They are going to turn one and I won't even be there to celebrate their birthday... it kills me. Though I am glad that the babies are surrounded by people who love them and enjoy them, I hate that I am not there to enjoy them. All I have are the rare pictures I get of them and their babbles in the background of the phone calls home.  I am  ready to get back to my bigger babies as well.  I want to hold them and tell them that there is a whole world available to them if they just believe.  I want them to know that they can be anyone they want to be and go anywhere they want to go... that their past do not define them. I am ready to get back to my friends.  I can't help of feel a twinge of jealously when they are together having fun, I feel like I am missing out on something.  I miss my former co-workers. Though I know I am replaceable, I secretly hope they won't find anyone as cool or uncool as me. I just want to get back home so I can personally thank everyone that kept me in their thoughts.  It's time..

On the other hand, I am just not ready to give these people up.  In preparing for this trip, I didn't even consider attachment issues.  If I can be completely honest, I was looking forward to meeting THAT guy, the one I have waited for my whole life. Maybe we would ride off into the sunset together. Maybe we would be in the airport, holding on for dear life with "Stay" by Rihanna playing in the background.  I was ready to face the conversation on how we would make a long distance relationship work.  I wanted to experience that international love.  Crazy, I know.  Unfortunately that didn't happen and I still have no idea what it is like to be in a relationship. That is neither here nor there.

My flatmates and I were all sitting in the kitchen last night talking about our first impressions of one another. How even ten days into our stay, we were taking care of each other like we had known each other our whole lives. It's insane to think that a few months ago, we didn't know that each other existed.  I think I can say that we are the very few flats in which everyone like everyone.  Six girls sharing one area can get brutal but we have never ran into any problems. In some ways, these girls know me better than even my closest friends.  And because they have no prior knowledge of me, they do not judge me. I am able to completely be myself and they accept me.  How do I leave that behind? We have invested so much time and energy into one another. I also hate that there are some individuals that I really didn't start to appreciate until the end. Like the person that is always around, but I never tried to get to know.  And then one day we just have a conversation, the whole time I am kicking myself because I realize what I have been missing out on.  I wish I could go back...give us a fighting chance. So needles to say, I am dreading the many goodbyes. I know there is email and social media but I also know that is not enough to prolong the inevitable. I am dreading the day that we simply move on. 

I remember years ago, someone told me I should take caution when it comes to love... I did.
                                                        

Our Angel

This is a difficult post for me to write, because right now I am hurting.  It never occurs to me that the last time I speak to a person, may just be the last time.  I take for granted that things will stay the same, and everyone will be waiting for me when I get back.  This week, life hit me with a big slap in the face.
On Sunday, I received a message from a friend that another friend/former coworker was taken to the hospital.  My heart dropped because I had no idea what was going on. I tried to write everyone I could think of, telling them to keep me informed. Later, I was told that she passed. It felt like someone knocked the wind out of me.  I can only imagine how her fiancé must be feeling, her family, her best friends. 
I would be a lie if I said we were best friends, that I knew her better than anyone.  What I do know is that I considered her a friend, and she was one of the sweetest individuals I have ever come in contact with. I can tell you that she was one of first to befriend me when I started working at our job.  I can say that she could smack gum louder than anyone I ever met.   I can tell you that she was funny, and she didn't mind speaking her mind and stand for what she believed in.  I can say that she love her family more than anything, and she made sure she had time devoted to her daughter. All of these things made her the person that she was.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that she blessed so many lives.  Just to see the outcry this past week was incredible.  My biggest regret is not being able to be there right now, and celebrate her life with everyone.  But I believe that anyone who had made any type of relationship with her can say that it was God's gift to breathe the air she breathe.
Out of respect for her and her family, I chose not to name her or post a picture.  If, I had their permission of course, then I wouldn't have mind.  Today we said "see you later," to a very special angel. You will never be forgotten.

We aren't caught up in your love affair

So this is the last part of my trip.  I will be kind to you and just give you pictures with just a small description.  Enjoy

Day 1

We first had to go to the discovery island center to collect my Dublin pass.  The pass allowed us to go in 30 attractions free and over great discounts.  I had a really big scare because four days before I was supposed to leave for Dublin, my mother told me my passes had made it to the house.  I couldn't use passes that were sitting in the Unites States. Luckily, the mistake was on their part and I was able to pick up a Dublin Pass at the center. This was a dry erase wall that people could write on, we left our mark!

 

Okay I am going to be honest and say that Anna takes amazing photos.  For that reason, I am going to use some of her photos if mine to not suffice.  This is one of them. Before we made our way to the Museum of  Archeology, we stopped into the city library.

This was the Museum of Archeology, and I must admit it was crazy cool.  As you may have guess, the corpse was my favorite.  We got four free postcards as well.

 

This was the Church of Christ Cathedral. I feel bad because I didn't learn much while I was there but it was extremely beautiful and my pictures do not do this place justice.  I apologize

Our last stop of the night was the Guinness Storehouse.  I thought it was the coolest guide in Dublin. My favorite part was going to the tasting room.  We walked through a dark hallway and then was ushered into this white room to shock our senses.  We were then given instructions on how to properly taste beer.  It was the worse thing I ever tasted. So you can guess that I opted for a coke instead of the complimentary pint of beer.

Day 2

First thing on day 2 was the zoo. I am not going to post every animal because we have all been to a zoo before.  However, this was the Dublin Zoo! I was really impressed with their area for the zebras, antelopes and giraffes.  For once I didn't feel like they were caged,  they had a taste of freedom.

This was the castle that we went to. I was very disappointed because we went on Halloween and the castle was actually booked and we couldn't look inside.  We were able to look around the  botanical garden but I wasn't in the mood to look at it.

Day 3

 

Was the Kilmainham Gaol, the oldest unoccupied jail in Europe. I have to say that I enjoyed this place the most.  This jail is important to the inhabitants of Ireland because it hold so much history.  If I could tell you just a small fraction of it, you would love it too.

Lastly, this was the Trinity College Library.  This is said to be the largest library in Ireland.  Due to the fact that we were not to take pictures in majority of the Library, I only have these two pictures.  I had to use the bathroom so bad that I really couldn't appreciate this place.  We were also not allowed to touch the books so I was ready to go within ten minutes.  Anna loved this place though and I am glad that she enjoyed the library as much as I enjoyed the jail. Well that's it and I really appreciate you suffering though this and taking this journey with me.  He are a few more pictures.