F is for Friends

I told myself that I would stop blogging once I returned to the States, no one would care about what I have to say then.  That could very well be true.  But I came to realize that my "journey" did not end when I left Estonia, but that it is just now beginning.
A lot of things changed when I got back.  The hardest thing was/is friends. Time and distance provides the best opportunity for change.  And that we did. At times it feels like we are swimming in two different directions, trying to get to the same destination. I bet you might be thinking that it is best to take a step back.  But it is at these moments that it is harder to let go than it is to hold on.

But there is something deeper that gets under my skin. The definition of friend is "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard."  It hit me like a ton of brick that some of my friendships are not defined like that.  
 There are a few people that are easy to be with, and so I connect myself with them because it doesn't not require any effort.  There are the one or two that I NEED to be around.  They are like the addiction that I can't quit, and I literally have to hide my phone to keep from always texting that person first.  There are some that I want to be around because they almost feel like a door of opportunity, not necessarily to something but to other people. While others I hold on to out of a sense of obligation. There is that friend that would move mountains for me but I can barely return a phone call.
Ease, need, want, obligation, fear; I would love to say one was better than the other and but they are bad.  Either I am smothering a person or I am neglecting them.   They all deserve better. I would hate to think that I am the only person dealing with this but at the end of the day, I can only speak for myself... I can only change myself.  Do I think I am the best friend? Not always. But I feel like I am ahead of the game because I recognize my faults. And so I am trying.
 Until the next time..