On one hand I am so ready to return to Arkansas. I can't wait to hug my mom and dad and tell them that I love them. You never know important your parents are until you don't have unlimited access to them. Going abroad has a way of making you appreciative of the people in your life. I want to overdose on my siblings. The boys have grown so much since I have been gone. When I left neither one them were crawling and now they are both on their way to walking. They are going to turn one and I won't even be there to celebrate their birthday... it kills me. Though I am glad that the babies are surrounded by people who love them and enjoy them, I hate that I am not there to enjoy them. All I have are the rare pictures I get of them and their babbles in the background of the phone calls home. I am ready to get back to my bigger babies as well. I want to hold them and tell them that there is a whole world available to them if they just believe. I want them to know that they can be anyone they want to be and go anywhere they want to go... that their past do not define them. I am ready to get back to my friends. I can't help of feel a twinge of jealously when they are together having fun, I feel like I am missing out on something. I miss my former co-workers. Though I know I am replaceable, I secretly hope they won't find anyone as cool or uncool as me. I just want to get back home so I can personally thank everyone that kept me in their thoughts. It's time..
On the other hand, I am just not ready to give these people up. In preparing for this trip, I didn't even consider attachment issues. If I can be completely honest, I was looking forward to meeting THAT guy, the one I have waited for my whole life. Maybe we would ride off into the sunset together. Maybe we would be in the airport, holding on for dear life with "Stay" by Rihanna playing in the background. I was ready to face the conversation on how we would make a long distance relationship work. I wanted to experience that international love. Crazy, I know. Unfortunately that didn't happen and I still have no idea what it is like to be in a relationship. That is neither here nor there.
My flatmates and I were all sitting in the kitchen last night talking about our first impressions of one another. How even ten days into our stay, we were taking care of each other like we had known each other our whole lives. It's insane to think that a few months ago, we didn't know that each other existed. I think I can say that we are the very few flats in which everyone like everyone. Six girls sharing one area can get brutal but we have never ran into any problems. In some ways, these girls know me better than even my closest friends. And because they have no prior knowledge of me, they do not judge me. I am able to completely be myself and they accept me. How do I leave that behind? We have invested so much time and energy into one another. I also hate that there are some individuals that I really didn't start to appreciate until the end. Like the person that is always around, but I never tried to get to know. And then one day we just have a conversation, the whole time I am kicking myself because I realize what I have been missing out on. I wish I could go back...give us a fighting chance. So needles to say, I am dreading the many goodbyes. I know there is email and social media but I also know that is not enough to prolong the inevitable. I am dreading the day that we simply move on.
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